I often chat
about the online forum that is ‘Grindr’. This smartphone application is the
best way for homosexual men to network anally. I live for ‘Grindr’, seeing many
benefits to my time on this program. My iPhone is signed on to ‘Grindr’ rarely
often, despite the fact that I rarely meet up with most of the vagrants I chat
with online. I enjoy the lack of filters and pretention most often aligned with
this online forum. At any given moment, I can sign on to the program to receive
a picture of someone’s gaping asshole with a timed directive as to where and
when I should be plugging said hole. Etiquette is rarely found when chatting
with said individuals. Still, I’ve met boyfriends, friends, and a variety of
crazies on here, leading me to continue using the application. Having moved up
to San Francisco, I’ve converted my ‘Grindr’ profile into a bit of a marketing
ploy for this blog. The current advertisement I have posted includes my Twitter
handle, Instagram, and of course this blog.
More often than not these days, I
chat with people who have been reading my escapades on here and I welcome the
attention. That being said, I find many other entertaining folks on here. I
find it humorous when people do contact me, not having read the blog, because
it’s listed in my profile. Anyone who sends me a picture of their gaping hole
or asks me to shit on them as an introductory hello will most probably get a
blog devoted to their lack of etiquette. But, I guess that’s just how it goes.
Since
moving up to San Francisco, I’ve received a number of ridiculous messages, but
there is one ‘Grindr’ subscriber that takes the cake. His handle is ‘NSA’,
which refers to ‘No Strings Attached’. Essentially this translates to ‘let’s have
anonymous sex ASAP’. Going into the rules of etiquette on ‘Grindr’, if you
message me with sex talk right off the bat, chances are we will never meet.
Start with ‘hello’ or ‘how are you’ and you may have my attention, but ‘come
fuck me’ is not really my cup of tea. Perhaps this works for many of the ‘Grindr’
subscribers, but it’s just not my thing. I don’t frequent bathhouses or get
into watersports either, so I guess I’m a square in that way. Never once have I
been to the emergency room with an unidentified object shoved up my anus
either, so I probably fit into the classiest of online sex seekers. Despite my
distaste for certain adventures in the bedroom, this doesn’t stop certain
vagrants from asking for it. One of my favorite chats was from the relentless
little man under the ‘Grindr’ handle of ‘NSA’. Ignoring all basic pleasantries,
he greeted me with the following:
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“My
vers hubby wants you to piss in him in our shower tonight. Then you can have
safe fucking sex with him or both of us if ya want, or just pee and leave. ;)”
Well, au chante, as the French say it. How sweet an invite. As exciting as it
might be to pee inside an absolute stranger, I couldn’t help but wonder what
the need for safe sex would be if I was going to “piss in[side] him”. Still,
none of this was all that enticing to me as watersports do absolutely nothing
for me. Call me old fashioned, but I’m of the mind that urination is to be done
privately, in the confines of a singular experienced bathroom. This may be the
only thing Rush Limbaugh and I have in common – from a conservative standpoint –
but Republicans in power tend to have some of the kinkiest bedroom habits, so
maybe we’re not that much alike. Perhaps this request from ‘NSA’ was a case of
the iPhone’s autocorrect function. Maybe he meant to write “piss on him in our
shower”, but either way I had no interest. I ignored the message which came to
follow with several naked selfies of both ‘NSA’ and his ‘vers hubby’. Moving on
from this message, I continued to chat with other ‘Grindr’ subscribers,
assuming I would never hear from ‘NSA’ again.
Then
came the following day, when ‘NSA’ approached me yet again. His approach was
entirely the same, sending me yet another invitation to “piss in [his vers
hubby] in our shower tonight”. Clearly autocorrect was not the problem here. ‘NSA’
wanted me to piss in his hubby and then have sex with both men, “or just pee
and leave”. Something about this redundant message also suggested that I was
not the only person receiving this offer. Unfortunately, I was not that special.
I could only imagine that I was one of many with such an offer. Still, I
ignored the series of messages I began receiving from ‘NSA’ with the same
pictures from before. This was obviously part of a protocol procedure for the
two men when engaging with individuals on ‘Grindr’. Watersports were not the
only deterrent in effect, however. I try not to judge anyone’s specific sexual
antics as I live in quite the glass house, but couples are just not my thing.
Threesomes do nothing for me. I had a none-too-satisfying experience with a
three-way when I was seventeen or eighteen and vowed to never look back. That’s
just not my thing, so when “open relationships” show up at my door, I tend to
run. A love of watersports and bad grammar don’t bode too well either.
Ignoring
the last message from ‘NSA’, I’d assume he would get the point. Often I message
men on ‘Grindr’ that don’t so much as respond with a word, so I understand when
someone’s not interested. This was not the case with ‘NSA’. For the next few
weeks, he continued to send me naked pictures with requests for piss and sex. I
could have blocked or reported this member at any point, but I was kind of
enjoying it. The complete lack of self-awareness and ridiculousness to his many
attempts was highly entertaining to me. A few days later, ‘NSA’ contacted me
yet again. This time, he requested/offered all of the same benefits for me
coming over, but with an added restraint on time. “Before 11” was his caveat
for my coming over, shared along with his current location. 'Grindr' has its own form of GPS for geographically locating your next sexual conquest. Still I didn’t respond, but found it highly entertaining
that now he was offering a curfew for when I could be over. This felt most
similar to a verbal contract of employment with supermodel Naomi Campbell. You
will be employed until I hit you with a cell phone, or before 11… This wasn’t
something I had agreed to, similar to the parameters at play when working for
the anger-issued supermodel. I wasn’t planning on responding to ‘NSA’, so I
ignored him yet again. Then, after 11, around midnight, he sent me the
pleasantry of “Hi”, followed by a string of dirty pictures. After he sent me
over a dozen photographs, I hit my limit. This was enough of our one-sided
exchange. I quickly responded: “Couples are not my thing”. He responded with a
simple “Ok”, but this seemed strange, given the glib answer. As he had been
contacting me so frequently and I was feeling saucy, given the late hour, I
responded once more with: “Please get the hint, since I’ve never responded
before.” This seemed to bother him as he responded with annoyance. “Please?!
Lol. You ratchet mess. You are obviously completely unoriginal and completely
forgettable. You’re disgusting.” Was this ‘Grindr’ stalker really getting so
nasty with me?! The person he had sent countless attempts at conversing with,
begging for me to “piss in” his hubby? Really? Given my saucy demeanor at this
late hour, I decided to respond with some screen shots of his past attempts to
entice me. Not only had he given me a time constraint of eleven that evening,
but he was now contacting me well past midnight.
I
thought I caught him in his ridiculous shenanigans as I sent images over of the
past one-sided conversations begging for my urine. Had I been so aggressively
contacting someone who had no interest, I would have bowed out and apologized
after such screen shots would have been sent to me. Instead, he responded
simply with “Exactly. Forgot it. You’re forgettable and BLAH!” So, clearly we
can all walk away with the fact that getting a random stranger to pee on you is
something that can be done anonymously at any point. He continued to bombard my
‘Grindr’ screen with nasty words, calling me ugly and disgusting. Feeling saucy
and offended, I responded with one word: “Whore”. ‘NSA’ then wrote me the
rhetorical question of “Who has a life?” Clearly I didn’t for focusing on such
a conversation, but conversely his life was filled with anonymous piss. Our
conversation ended with ‘NSA’ attempting to offend me one last time: “Poor
thing. You are gross.” I couldn’t help but wonder what his definition of gross
really was…
Our
conversation ended just like that, without another word on my end. The
following morning, out of nowhere, I received a message from ‘NSA’ once more: “You’re
fucking hot! My vers hubby wants you to piss in him in our shower tonight. Then
you can have safe fucking sex with him or both of us if ya want, or just pee
and leave. But you’re hot ;)” Wasn’t I “gross”? Was I no longer a “poor thing”?
Or was I just “completely forgettable”? After a month or so of these ridiculous
messages, I finally blocked ‘NSA’ from contacting me ever again. This is not to
say that was the end of my ridiculous ‘Grindr’ exchanges, just the last one
with ‘NSA’.
‘Grindr’
is quite the entertainment forum for myself and many others as it seems. I
googled ‘Grindr’ just now and found this gem of a screenshot from 2011.
Clearly
‘Grindr’ is still being put to great use.
Xoxo.
R.
