Part 5.
Shortly after receiving an agent “agreement” from Lenny Leopold –
the book crook – I was pretty convinced his whole operation was a sham. I was
being sold faulty insurance from the likes of George Costanza (the immortal
‘Seinfeld’ character). There were far too many inconsistencies, spelling
errors, and copied pieces to said contract. Immediately after receiving his
documentation, I proceeded to google Lenny. First came his ‘IMDB’ page, where I
discovered I was not too far off with the George Costanza comparison.
Lenny looked about in his early to mid-fifties, with a dirty porn
star mustache in the vain of large penis legend Ron Jeremy. While Ron had quite
the career when he was younger, he now resonates as more of a has-been with a
rather large belly and homeless man persona. At least Mr. Jeremy has a large
appendage to account for. I discovered that Lenny Leopold had no balls as I
continued to read up on this mess. His dirty persona had been bleeding through
the telephone, but encountering a photo of him online was another story. The
porn-stache was indisputably amazing in the worst way possible. He looked like
he should be offering children candy before taking them on a ride in his
windowless mini-van. There was a cheap cigar strategically placed in his mouth
with a touch of saliva dripping from his hairy lip. Was this someone I would
want to represent me? Living in Los Angeles, the world of pretention and
entertainment, this didn’t look the kind of guy I wanted to launch my career.
Who was going to listen to this washed up man?
As I continued to peruse Lenny’s ‘IMDB’ page, I discovered that he
had really done anything to relevant to the times. There was no way that his
delivery of promises was going to happen. Having said that, I was naively
hopeful that this would lead to something. Sometimes I need to have my head
bashed into a wall before bad penetrates. I can be very trusting of people,
especially when they’re telling me what I want to hear. Leaving Lenny’s
prehistoric biography on ‘IMDB’, I moved forward with my Google initiative. I
began reading a series of posted articles online claiming Lenny to be a fraud,
taking people’s money and delivering nothing. While I had an idea that it may
go this way, I kept thinking back to our conversation where he praised my work
so heavily and seemed sure of the success. I reached out to a few friends and
discussed the pros and cons. The one overwhelming message delivered from my
conversations was to refrain from any financial commitments. “Do not give
anyone a dime, Raanan. A real agent isn’t going to ask you for a dime.” I
decided that I would test Lenny. Sure his agreement was laughable, sure he
looked like a creepy pedophile, and yes, he was asking me for money. That being
said, he did help procure some big deals back in the days of rotary phone and
maybe he knew talent. Had I been able to procure an agreement with no promise
of cash on my end, perhaps I could be on my way to success? Looking back, I
feel a bit stupid now, but let’s paint that as naivety. That sounds a whole lot
better. Let’s go with naivety.
Once I had put together my thoughts, I called Lenny back. I
explained that a financial transaction wasn’t going to happen; not now, not
later. He wasn’t receiving my response well. Lenny began throwing around names
and connections, telling me why I needed him. “No one out there can do what I
can for you.” This was a big promise from a guy trying to squeeze five-hundred
bucks out of me. As we continued to chat, Lenny began to wear me down. I shared
my conversations with friends and he grew upset that I was speaking to anyone
other than him. We were back on the playground at recess in school and I was
being chastised for talking to someone else. Lenny began explaining that I
shouldn’t be friends with anyone else on the playground. No dodgeball for me.
Perhaps a solitary game of one playing tetherball, going forward. “From this
point on, you only talk to me about the book, Raanan. Don’t let others get in
your head.” Sure, let Lenny in my head, but none of my closest friends that
share my best interest at heart. Lenny then told me to take a few days to
myself and really “think about” my best plan, which he assured me was with him.
About forty-five minutes after getting off the phone, I received
the following e-mail:
“Raanan
“I have been thinking about your constantly changing your mind,
listening to your friends; who may or may not know anything about
publishing…Ask them to get on the phone tomorrow and sell your book; see what
they say. We know the answer…….LET ME EXPLAIN THIS TO YOU ONE MORE TIME. Let’s
say I received no expense from you; and you talked to another friend; or
whatever, and you changed your mind again…I would be out expenses. Be
embarrassed with my editors and or publishers……I have the skills to sell your
book; either you do it; or I’M out.
“I gave you every possible break in the world, your book is
different….do you want it to sit on the shelf, and gather dust.
“Or would you like to see it a list of publishers from Simon &
Schuster, Random House, Harper Collins be reviewing your book……Let me know, or
I wish you the best of luck……My list of accomplishments is more than you could
ever ask for. Jay Leno would be proud to have me be his agent…Let’s move
forward, we will meet, bring the executed agreement, the VERY SMALL $150.00 and
next week, it will be at all those publishers and more.
“Just do it.
“Lenny Leopold,
“Your future agent.
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